Are you time in or time out??

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time outToday I read an article on ahaparenting.com that was about a fairly new to me concept of “time-in” instead of a “time-out” approach to discipline. The article spoke on how having a space for a child to have cuddle time if she is acting out her emotions in a negative manner. Time-in says that you should let the child know that you recognize that she is having a hard time and that you understand that she is feeling some type of way. You reiterate over and over that you are here for her and that you love her. Ok great. Then the article goes on to disprove the time-out approach. It stated that it does not allow the child to properly express herself, it creates power struggles, it makes children feel as if they are bad, and it adds or gives abandonment issues. This was my summarized version you can read the complete article here.

There are some things that I agree with when it comes to time in. I like the fact that you acknowledge that your child is dealing with some feelings and emotions causing her to act out. I like the fact that it forces you not to ignore the behavior and take out some precious time with the child while it is much needed. However I do have some issues with time-in. My issues with time-in are:

  1. Most of the time acting out behaviors in a negative way has something to do with gaining attention. This teaches your child that anytime that she may be craving attention from you she can just act out in a negative way and here you will come to hug and cuddle with her. It creates an unhealthy pattern.
  2. She is ultimately getting a reward for acting out. So rules and boundaries does not matter. Do you think when she gets old enough to drive the police is going to care if she had a bad day if she is doing 98 mph in a 55 mph zone. That is why we have to teach them about self soothing. Do you think he is going to take her to a cuddle spot? It may be a cuddle spot alright.. That is why we have to teach them about self soothing.  Teach your child that there are consequences to every action.
  3. Letting your child continue to yell and speak disrespectfully to you because she needs to move herself to cry to cleanse her of her emotions. I will never tolerate disrespect. You can express yourself, even as a child, without being disrespectful. It is not a power struggle because there will be no struggle when it comes to that topic. You think that as an adult your child is going to be permitted to talk to her boss disrespectful without some type of repercussion?

I also like some aspects of time-out. I like the way that the child can clearly recognize when she has made a poor decision to negatively act out their emotions.   However I do have issues with time out as well.

  1. You most of the time are dragging the child to time out.
  2. The child sits there without any instructions and it is just a waste of time. (I do not like wasting time)
  3. Time out is not a constructive consequence.

I can look at both sides of the time methods and some things I do not agree with and some things I totally get. However I want to share my method that somewhat combines both time in and time out. I would like to call it going to the thinking chair. This is how it works.

  1. The child does some negative act of emotional expression in which boundaries have already been set and expectations have been made clear.
  2. You look at the child in her eyes. Explain to her what she did that was unacceptable. Then you let her know that she needs to spend time on the thinking chair.
  3. The thinking chair is equipped with paper, pencils, and crayons at all times.
  4. While in the thinking chair the child will think about what she has done wrong and will answer these questions with words or a drawing.
  5. The questions are: why do you think you are in the thinking chair? Why did you choose to act in that way? What made you feel like acting in that way? If you ever feel like that again how will you let mommy know about your feelings? How can mommy help you with your feelings?
  6. After these questions have been answered they will bring you the paper(s). You then sit with them with undivided attention and actively listen to what they have to say.
  7. Address all necessary concerns and validate their feelings. End with a hug and an “I love you”.

See best of both worlds. The child knows clearly that the behavior is not acceptable. You are teaching boundaries and behavior limits. You have set expectations. You have given them positive undivided attention. You have given them a way to learn how to problem solve. You are empowering them to take responsibility for their actions and to think before reacting.

Try this method and let me know how it works for your child. Please share with us on twitter and facebook.

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Discipline is a positive thing.

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discipline

 

Discipline the d word no one wants to talk about when it comes to their children. They feel guilty when their child is not pleased with them. As parents this is something that we should not dismiss. Discipline is not the harming of your child because he or she doesn’t do things your way. Discipline is a positive part of growing up. The definition of discipline from dictionary.com is: Training to act in accordance with the rules. If we do not discipline them at home they WILL be disciplined when they go out into the world. I know some that want to keep their child a “free spirit” ok I get it. You want your child to be expressive and not want to stifle creativity. Others may want to rule with an Iron fist and have their children on an eighteen year sentence. So let’s look at some ways to create a culture of discipline in your home that will work for you and your family.

  1. What does your child best respond to? My parents were firm believers in “spare the rod and spoil the child”. However I can count on one hand the number of spanking I received. I was no angel but I would most of the time straighten up on the first “death look” I would get from my mom. I would respond to looks and stern talking to’s. My brother on the other hand was a different story.
  2. Are the rules clear and concise in your home? You cannot fault a child for doing something that they didn’t know was off limits. Some things we as parents do not think about until they happen. When that happens lend a little grace. Say something like “ no we cannot do that and this is why….”.
  3. Which brings me to: give your children explanations as to why they do not do certain things. Most kids respond better when they know why they can’t have things or why certain actions are not tolerable. You will get a lot less attitude.
  4. Think of creative consequences for your children. Time out may not work for your little one. Or sending your child to their technology filled bedroom may not be the way to teach a lesson. For example I was just sitting around the table the other day listening to the wisdom of seasoned parents. One lady told a story of her son always slamming the door when he was upset. They had told him over and over that that was unacceptable behavior. One day he went to slam the door and there was no door to slam. They took it off the hinges. He learned not to slam doors. Extreme? I don’t think so but that is just me, I call it creative.
  5. Be consistent!!!! This is so huge! Follow through is everything when teaching and implementing discipline. If you tell your child you cannot go outside until all of your homework is finished and checked. You have to go by that rule. Even it is inconvenient to you. Because the lesson that your child will learn is that your word cannot be trusted. Or “I can get away with it because my parents will not do anything”. When those feelings and ideas come into their head, the level of respect that they have for you will diminish.

We will work on these five for now. Disciplining your child may make them salty at you at first and maybe for a couple of days. They may roll their eyes behind your back. However what is being instilled in them is that “my parents care enough to raise me the right way.”I have had so many talks with children especially in the middle school age bracket, that will say” my mom doesn’t care.“  You never want your child to think you do not care about them. Because they will start searching for someone who does and that is how gangs grow and our girls fall into the negative cycle of abuse by men. Let us show our children we care enough to teach them right from wrong.   I would love to hear your ideas. Comment below or come and connect with us on Twitter or Facebook. Thanks for being part of the imperfect parent team.